How do I recover from singing "your body is a wonderland" on his voicemail?
i think i recognize dicks better than faces
seriously who else gets carried home puking from a fucking mary kay party?
No one even knew you were hurt until we saw the multiple cuts to prove it, and when we asked what happened all you could say was "I fell out"
Ask if he wants his tooth back. It's in the freezer. In the box of hotpockets.
Walk-of-shaming home in that dress you got arrested in. Six guys called out your name when I walked past. I've never been more proud of us.
IM TRYING TO BE RESPONSIBLE AND ALL I WANT TO DO IS FUNNEL CHEAP BEER AND SCREAM ABOUT HOW MUCH I LOVE OUR NATION
YOU'RE CHANGING THE SUBJECT. I CAN BLOW SOMETHING UP OR I CAN TELL HIM YOU LOVE HIM, BUT ONE OF THE TWO IS BOUND TO HAPPEN
I'm gonna have to shit in a bar again tonight
It's a sad day when a deadly hurricane headed your way is less depressing than your relationship status.
So I fucked a guy with his mouth wired shut last night never thought id cross that off my imaginary bucket list
I continue to impress myself. Also I'm probably pregnant
Whenever a guy asks me why I like weird sex stuff, I just answer, "Catholic School".
...this is why fuck buddies should be only for grownups.
Profesor just winked at me. This class might be easier than I thought
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