I have a dream, to one day wake up next to a girl, walk to the washroom and kick her kids toys out of the way. That day has come, yes we can.
i wore my purity necklace wen we fucked. but its ok cuz simplified was blasting in the background
hahahaha. im glad listening to simplified justifies breaking ur promise to god
Im in Brooklyn, he wasnt 23 or a musician pick me up
Does transporting jello shots count as driving with an open container?
found a pic of my little bro & his girl naked. he got the brains and the huge junk gene. I hate him
his mom walked in, looked at me, sighed n nsaid 'when are u gonna learn' n walked out
I told him we couldn't hang out because I had strep, he said he's had it once so he couldn't get it again. The sex isn't worth this level of stupidity
She asked if I could convince him so shave that shit off his face so he'll have a snowball's chance in hell of getting laid.
Sometimes things go your way and sometimes you get hit on by a fat drunk girl.
Went to bed with a bowl of spaghetti O's on my chest, I make my own breakfast in bed. New level of laziness
Today's weekday brunch started at 2pm, and consisted of $7 of sandwich and $50 of cocktails. Also, I hustled the bartender for about $3 playing nickel poker, but he may have been letting me win. Either way, he didn't get into my pants.
I'm standing at the bottom of the driveway w a sign that says plow me
In the middle of me riding him, he stopped me and said "You're the kind of person who would be restrained for being obnoxiously drunk on an airplane, huh?"
This whole having a new phone thing is like starting all over in life with a clean slate! (My old text convos are gone)
New phone new life!
Dude, I totally just made my launch phrase on my new phone "Wingardium Leviosa" so that when people try it and it doesn't work I can say, "It's leveeOHsa, not leveeoh-SA."
Randomize
