Dan just whipped out his wang to piss in a milk jug! Hello weekend.
I'm pretty sure I have jizz on the back of the dress I wore to church. Awesome.
You grinded and hooked up with a middle aged tiger woods look-a-like with manboobs. Tequila isn't for you.
nothing like going to the bathroom, running into the wall, thinking its a person and saying"its ok i just had the 4 beers" even the wall knew i was lying
Dude of course I want to. Your penis is beautiful.
Something tells me your "Titties for Tracy Morgan" fundraiser won't pan out.
I just walked out of the side door of the bar to come in the front door so no one would know I've been here drinking before our work meeting.
Just tried to do a line with a snorkel I cut off... that is how my Aruba trip is going!
... Okay, fine. But I don't want to be a better person tonight. I'll be a better person tomorrow.
Just got a blow job from a woman on a ski slope. She said ski'ing frightens her and giving head calms her down. Glad I could help ma'am!
I had to try on three different bathing suits to hide my boob hickies
Are you opposed to me trying out your penis?
The drive thru lady at McDonald's asked how I was and I responded by opening the car door and throwing up all over the drive thru lane. Happy Sunday.
Think i may just have managed the saddest high-five in history. Finished a sudoku and high-fived myself, then looked around for somebody to high five. there was noone. forever alone.
I think you'll appreciate my way of waking up today: Under my cubicle, boxed in by boxes of printer paper, and hung over. I don't even know how the fuck I got in here in the middle of the night. I went to my car and fell back asleep. I'm now 2 1/2 hours late.
Randomize
