i just heard my neighbor say from outside my window "i don't give a shit what he does, what the hell am i gonna do with my son's penis?"
Did you know that when you swallow it's like 60 calories!?
That's okay, it's all protein anyway.
HOLY SHIT! Did you see the dick on that Great White Shark?!?!?!
birth control should be required to get into college
how bad would it be if i made his twitter my home page?
i have a surprise for you that looks bigger since I found my body hair trimmer
We can't bring brittanys dog so we are getting high and getting in my bathtub I think it's pretty safe
In other news, someone I've had sex with won jeopardy last night.
Also I just took a shit at a bar so always remember that ANYTHING is possible.
He showed me a picture of his baby hamsters and I called them "Mammal McNuggets"
On another note, I feel like my vagina is slowly being peeled off with a rusty potato peeler.
The fact I have to evaluate my choice between tequila and fruity pebbles is a clear image of my life right now
All of my friends are talking about changing their lives because they have an alcohol addiction and I'm over here reminding my boss that it's national beer day.
No clue what you did last night, sorry. You did hand me a pizza and a mason jar with $1200 in small bills in it when I let you in though.
Wanna guess where my charger was last night.....in my cooler with my beer. I put it in there because I knew I would never forget my beer.
Randomize
