haha omg you stole $185 from a passed out drunk indian on your porch and called the ambulance??
savin' lives aint cheap
He better hope I dont die soon. Because I would haunt his bitch ass and cock block 24/7
You drunk yet?
Nope. Give me two hours then delete my texts before you read them.
Cant make any promises.
Come find me please? Im in a ditch.
That doesn't help me much...
I'm right under the moon!
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We couldn't get our shit together to go to the bar, so we're getting drunk and facebook stalking all the girls who have gotten fat since high school. Any names you wanna throw out?
I'm driving up the street and can't tell if my ears are actually about to pop or not.
A solid 8.5 on the baked meter, I need to stop.
I sent him a naked picture of me with the caption "I lost at beer pong, this was a dare. Hope your nights going as good as mine" I've never talked to him in my life, this is a strange way to start.
I was just crying my tits off and he was just sitting there listening. I was an open book of embarrassing life stories.
Wine is not your friend.
You can jump from the roof to the pool. Trust me. I have done this before.
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There is always the bar, but 2 30 on a Tuesday just screams alcoholism
As a general rule of thumb, I don't call until the claw marks have healed.
I really wanted to pound but her roomate was making mac n cheese n shit so I was trying to time her moans to the drone of the microwave
I JUST WOKE UP WITH MY UBER DRIVER
Harry Potter pub crawl tonight. You know you're living your life right when your check list for the evening is wizard robes, wand and acid.
I would let him fuck me right here in this laundromat. Praise Satan.
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