bras are like tupperware for tits, keeps em fresh.
She was ugly to the point i wanted to brush my teeth after looking at her
I found a picture of my kindergarten class. Now you can see whose peer pressure I succumbed to.
I mean I woke up wearing my bathing suit which blows my mind
she said "the two best ways to sober up are to nurse someone or give a blowjob" and im gonna go along with it.
and his room smelled like strippers, childrens tears, and fear
bad sex. bad bad bad. it was like trying to pick up an overcooked noodle with an empty pringles can. why do these guys always seem to find me?
Just called my dad drunk from bed to ask for bacon.. my niece texted me when it was ready.. i'm never moving out
I need Jameson.
Yea? How do you think I feel? Your job during the delivery is to keep that flask ready. The moment our kid pops out, I'm taking a shot.
Hi, my name is Ashslay and I'll be your designated shitshow.
I just remembered that last night I seriously contemplated swallowing the cap to my toothpaste
Idk I was embarrassed that I hit it too hard so I played it off by spitting out bong water like a 'whales blowhole'
I have bruises all over my legs. Did I hit a car with my bike last night?
The man built me a fort. Of course he got laid.
Puked in the trash can. Took a bite of someone's breadstick and kept dancing and drinking
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