I mean I'm basically single. Or maybe just an asshole. Either way.
Dude. He drives a mini. Therefore he's a virgin
I'd really appreciate it if we could dress up as pilgrims and indians for the thanksgiving eve bar crawl
I see you felt the need to carve your name in my kitchen table. thanks
Am I allowed to say that I would really enjoy blowing you again? Or does that fall into the "nothing changes between us" catagory?
There is a limo involved. Man up, and make yourself puke. Its only one more night of blacking out.
Can I sell my birth control in a yard sale?
Dong worry about me. I just cashed bottle of wine when I found out he was in town, I'm being dramatic. I'll text you tomorrow when I'm sober and my face stops bleeding
The bosnian sent me a sext with his dick next to a comcast remote. It went up to the "stop" button. Ironic and appropriate. Grab your remote and imagine it.
You've ruined television for me.
The hot guy sitting next to me in the lib is reading a book called "Impersonal sex in public places." How wrong would it be to give him my number when I bounce?
You should really trust me on this one. "hit it and quit it" might not be the best career move on your part...
Dude I'm riding a fucking tortoise this is awesome you should come with me more often
ok NEVER tell the strippers its your birthday. i think i have to burn these clothes and take a bath in bleach
On a scale of one to Harambe, how attached were you to your goldfish?
I couldnt face her after that wonderful, terrible blowjob. Made a rope out of towels and climbed out her bathroom window.
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