I mixed the ketchup wit the mustard in one bottle to save time making hotdogs
I'M GETTING MARRIED!
YOU'RE STILL MARRIED!
my mom just used "raw dog" in a sentence correctly, time to move out.
Just scheduled a cocaine deal around my drug counsler appointment. Why yes, thank you, I do enjoy the irony that is my life.
When I stretch out her lips her vagina looks like a dolphin...this birthmark is awesome
He was carrying a rolled up carpet saying he was saving it for tomorrow's Walk of Fame.
Managed to convince my mom that I had been home for 3 hours sleeping on the couch downstairs and this t-shirt was your dads. I am SUCH a fucking boss.
i caught myself talking to a pigeon about my yeast infection.
Only once have I found myself in the condom aisle holding a bundt cake...
like are we talking 'quick beer' bad or 'break out the real vodka' bad
fuck that its my house. if i want to take 1 bite out of the chicken & leave the rest i fucking will. suck my dick
Wanna shave the hair on my back? If you're offended I was joking, if not I'll bring booze and maybe you can do other regions too.
I take it you're alive?
Mostly. Can't quite control my arms.
How many times have you told me to call 911 this week?
Lol twice
Why can't he see that I don't want a slow getting to know you period? I just want to bone. NOW.
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