Her vagina smelt so bad I lied and told her that I was married just so that she would leave.
He thought he was drowning because he was drinking water and intentionally holding his breath. Dear god what did you get me in to.
Oh and now he's calling me Brohammed Ali.
WHITE RUSSIAN WEDNESDAY. TELL YOUR CO WORKERS. INVITE QND PREPARE
I just made my roommate a 'Hope you don't have chlamydia' cake.
Make one for john too.
Jen gave my number to some guy she met in NY. He sent me a picture of his weiner. He had nice shoes. I replied with a pic of bacon.
When in doubt always reply with bacon.
Seriously. Come back. I've had two beers for breakfast so far. The third will be for lunch since it's already 12.
Just traded a shot of whiskey for a warm PBR on public transit. It's that's sort of night already.
as your best friend, I hope we never outgrow 'I Just Got Laid' texts
He whispered "Are you feeling it now Mr. Krabs?" when he was inside me. That is NOT my fetish.
The Vicodin is in the strawberries.
I HATE HIM SO MUCH I HOPE HE GETS IN SOME WEIRD ACCIDENT WHICH MAKES IT IMPOSSIBLE FOR HIM TO NUT
I have booze and I wanna give you a bj. How can you be mad at me?
So you can text and rub it at the same time? Bravo.
I can do anything and masturbate, if I truly wanted to.
You can come over but I have to warn you that it is naked Sunday.
I just saw a woman give her infant whiskey tits. About ten minutes ago she was doing shots, and now she's breast feeding. Whiskey. Tits.
Randomize
