i havent had this much fun since the last time i farted and it created a boner.
I don't know what's more pathetic, the fact that you dated him or the fact that it took a Taylor Swift song for you to break up with him.
I made her dinner: Beefaroni with grated parmesan cheese on top. Luckily she showed up drunk and gave me head, "For spending so much time preparing."
my three year anniversary of no dick sucking is coming up. you can throw me a party with a penis cake.
There is a girl in bio drinking beer out of a starbucks cup with a straw
well you haven't lived until you've been 86'ed from a family restaraunt
I'm taking it from the chunk of pizza I just pulled out my hair that we ate pizza last night?
I just wish I could congratulate your tits on how much I love seeing them
Dude. Some drunk chick just put an Aussie hat on me and was screaming at me in German. Her friends had to drag her away. Point being, I now have a cool hat.
I needed that adderall to break my tradition of passing out at the bar on Sundays
My doctor actually said I was suffering from an "acute hangover" in doctor's note I asked him for....what a douche
NO HE PUT HIS HAND IN HIS PANTS BEFORE HE TOUCHED THE BONG.
ILLEGAL
They ran out of toilet paper so I used the rug to wipe my vagina
I was really proud of me too last night! Found a discarded hamburger that I have no memory of at the foot of the bed. Instead of a Dude. I'm really growing as a person
You use your abs way more than I realized. Btw multiple orgasms is the best thing I've ever discovered.
Randomize
