then she came back into the room with a neckbrace on. i thought she was getting ready for the pounding of a lifetime.
I puked in the cab and in my hair and he didnt even know
i decided to cut a 3rd hole in to my snuggie so i could masturbate all the time.. all time low? or genius?
I got it! After our exam we take shots for every question we skipped!!!
I don't wanna die...
I thanked her for the handjob she gave me in the middle of the night. She had no idea what i was talking about. I think she sleep-jerked-me-off. Im def sleeping over tonight too
Make way for the handjob queen! She will grab what she wants, when she wants, and from whomever she wants.
Dude there is a stripper at my door saying she has my birthday present. She knows my name...but it's not my birthday...
God works in mysterious ways my friend.
i need some food
Holy shit I forgot about you stabbing him.
I woke up today in my boxers hugging a log and realized that I think I've gotten close enough to nature. I really need to stop doing shrooms with you
The Uber driver took us to a Waffle House. We didn't even say anything when we got in. MAGIC.
I think you should do the fixer upper relationship. Like lawyers do pro bono work with underserved populations, you can do pro bono relationship work.
Well just give me the address, I'll bring the bourbon. If they let that into mental institutions
He gave me a box of cheez-its after sex, does that make me a hooker?
he woke up this morning, drunk as fuck, butt ass naked, and he had left grandmas gun on the counter and doesn't know why.
Gary just stuck his dick in his Guinness. I can't even make this up
Randomize
