Dude, I'm in her bathroom and there's crab shampoo... is it worth the risk?
You're missing what this discovery implies... she's got a fucking bush.
I wish there were wingman of the year awards.
You have more facebook pictures than most towns have people.
So we went to home depot to buy supplies to build a beer bong but ended up buying an office water cooler that were going to put vodka in
Yes I was being legit. That's the only plant I want in my house. A growing penis.
Taking back a box of condoms is possibly the most depressing thing i've ever done
I forgot to tell you thank you for putting me out when I was on fire. im sure I'll laught about this someday...
Just used the leftover candycorn for candycorn vodka. Our house is trying to continue the Halloween spirit for as long as possible.
There's a girl in the bathroom crying about something having to do with cream cheese.
He drank his beer out of his own shoe. Its his "party trick"
Figured out how I got so much alcohol in my hair: tried to drink my drink using my cleavage as a cup holder. Missed my drink hole and got it all in my hair
I stole all of the toasting champagne and did an interpretive dance to "wind beneath my wings". I am literally everything you're not supposed to do at weddings.
But your showmanship is impeccable.
Remember how I have such good luck that it's almost bullshit?
I'm afraid to ask, but go on.
I never knew it was coming. He was cute and nerdy, cute and nerdy, cute and nerdy, and then BAM! Best hookup ever.
I threw up in 4 different Starbucks across the city before 9 am.
I just called my kid butt plug. Does that make me a bad mommy??
This may be the most diplomatic thing you've ever said
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