so... i had sex tonight
with a midget
nicccce tits for a little person
I need a shot of tequila, and quick death
can you come get me and bring me shorts and a shirt
maybe shoes and water too
oh and maybe a noose to hang myself
i just shit an entire soup salad and breadsticks from the olive garden... bud light wins again.
She's okay as an interesting car wreck. But as a sexual object she's funny
Does the phrase 'traumatizing near-threesome' mean anything to you.
I've decided the third guy that I slept with is who I lost my virginity to...
I had to ask him for the scissors while I was in the shower. My hood piercing was stuck in my loofah.
I just used FaceTime as a look out while I got a blowjob in the library
I may be bringing home two guys tonight. I'f they won't go for a double-team you can have the lanky one.
Remember that time you bought snap bracelets on Amazon and they sent you 300 pregnancy tests instead? Amazon knows.
Well after we were arrested you just kept chanting "Like a good neighbor state farm is there"
Turns out the bartender I fucked is the bar owner. WHY THE FUCK DO I PAY FOR HALF MY DRINKS? IS SEX NOT TIP ENOUGH?
I didn't realize how much I relied on you for a reason to drink on tuesday
Of two things I'm absolutely sure: 1. I only took 2 hits off that joint and 2. I definitely ran over hedwig on the way home
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