a very overweight girl in the ER just said she trippped over the invisible wii jump rope and fell
My life has hit rock bottom, I'm watching a movie on lifetime about retarded people falling in love. And I'm jealous of their relationship.
I just made what I can safely estimate to be a 900 calorie pb&j. Fuck a serving size.
If I die tonight. Just know that chicken I made fuckin ruled. Recipe: Chicken with a shitload oF spice
In their defense you were hugging a watermelon for a good portion of the trip
Gooodnight my beautiful sex angel. Much luvz for joo, etceteraz
Found your dick twin last night
Dude I walked in to my house just to be handed a bottle of vodka by my sister. She then said i had 15 minutes to finish it. Moving into my parents place is the best choice I have made this year.
This taxi driver is not happy I am in drag
Know anything about my roof collapsing last night?
Tequila.
So, I'm a little drunk in Seattle with Glenna, but we've all agreed that it's patriotic to think about Bill Clinton from time to time during sex. 'Merica
We fucked to Bonnie Tyler in my car. He's the one.
She took me to ER. She says thought it was a squirtgun filled with vodka and she was 'marking me for later.' Thank god it's a flesh wound, and we're cool and going to date.
gtg, the cops are here
But the problem is you celebrate with your heart but I celebrate with my liver
Bootycalls can't go limp that's like against the law
Randomize
