Come to the Burger King. We're waiting for you.
the power's out. i'm smoking weed by flashlight
i wish i was dedicated to anything like you are to weed
I set the bag of cheetos on the open box on my coffee table while I was watching TV. I was so high I ate half of the styrofoam peanuts in the box by accident. Am I going to die?
I hope so
Decided to write a book called "girls don't poop and other myths I wish I still believed in"
Why hello there Olivia! How are you today on this fine and most wonderful morning full of magic and adventure and awesomeness?
Someone just got laid.
IS FOOTBALL GONNA SUCK HIS DICK? NO, IT IS NOT
I've been thinking about it and if we ever have a threesome it'll start off with us clothed solely in our matching fur vests
hot buttered vodka was not a success. on any level.
you're avoiding the subject, i want to know how you ended up at the strip club with the dog, fucker
Really? I thought your parents stopped loving you when you drunkenly fell through the ceiling...
Would it be crossing a line if I told him that I now know his girlfriend has a huge mole on her left ass cheek?
So hungover and decided to eat a burrito and a pot brownie for dinner, this is what adulthood looks like.
Just got a blow job from a woman on a ski slope. She said ski'ing frightens her and giving head calms her down. Glad I could help ma'am!
In other news, I’ve officially fucked a grandpa.
I had a good weekend too...although I cried about the dog in a drunken stupor last night...not one of my finest moments, but it's all water under the bridge.
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