Can we switch to phone sex? This is starting to get awkward...
it's too hot outside to masturbate.
you laugh because clearly you have never had to clean poop out of a tub
long story short: there's a file in the master file cabinet labeled "lube".
just took a shot of real whiskey... i forgot what it's like to drink liquor that costs more than twelve dollars.
Hands down the most disgusting picture message ever received. Thank you.
im here for your entertainment
Someone shattered a urinal.
I just watched a woman in a full wedding dress and veil walk out of the chinese buffet...I no longer believe I have a problem, and am afraid I am underdressed.
Fuckkkk i made out with a freshman.....but he's old for his age. THIS IS WHAT HAPPENS WHEN YOURE NOT AROUND.
I just found a 2 minute video on my phone of you throwing up in a fake plant.
Bonus points if the penis has a little hat too
He said he doesnt believe in the female orgasm,so no I did not have sex with him.
Finding out you're not a mother on Mother's Day >>>
It's 7:30pm and we've already lost someone and had to run from the cops. What the fuck did you put in the punch?
I know I drink too much cuz "ssssjllapph peneinssesss" automatically comes up in my phone now.
Randomize
