So after your 27th or so beer, you gave me songs you want to have used if you're ever on intervention.
mom and dad are leaving for florida on 4/20, this is a sign
also, I just found three random bruises on my knee. probably from when I was velcrod to the stairs
it's a gatorade, cheez its, and regret kind of morning....
I don't know if it has occurred to you yet, but you are dating a nymphomaniac, and your work schedule is an interference of my needs being fulfilled. Get home now.
Mitt romney looks like a fantastic lover (full disclorsure: im 76% vodka right now)
I went to the obgyn with chipped nail polish.. Somewhere Beyonce was looking down, shaking her head, whispering "Not fierce."
Ahh, 151. Think of it this way: it took one shot to get you buzzed, I took eight. I may or may not have broken a tv with my skull that night and met someone's parents naked and hungover the next morning.
He stood me up and then his cat died. I feel like this is Gods way of saying he's on my side, even after the tequila fiasco.
My pants are like a grocery bag containing ONLY jelly beans right now.
Have 7 min to kill while I wait for liquor store to open. Feels really awkward.
I sent my roommate a text from MY phone that said, "I don't know where my phone is." Must've been a good night.
Apparently I showed all your grooms men my vagina to prove I did not have underwear on. Awesome
dude it was our first time and her hair caught on fire from the candles on the nightstand
There is no way that actually happened!
the smell of burnt hair covered up the sweaty sex smell.
He’s like an awkward walking penis that has a personality attached
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