I don't remember. Are we still dating?
I think the neighbors upstairs are trying for more kids. I want to run up there and yell "mazal tov!"
This guy in church just had a prayer request to help him get through his hangover. He is my new hero.
I was going through my mom's high school yearbook...almost half the people who signed it referred to her as "Karen Smokejoints", "Confused Karen", or drew a picture of a joint. I have never felt more like her daughter.
I got a bikini wax for the first time today and I think I now understand feminism.
Bruises. Everywhere. Table sex is dangerous
It's been two weeks and I still have carpet burns on my knees. Well done.
Please stop leaving drunk voicemails with your new black/Irish accent.
I get hit on by the prison guards every time i go to see him. Seriously.
I'm trying to get WebMD to diagnose me with a hangover
Shit my boyfriend's roommate thinks thinks: I love getting woken up to the sound of my roommate getting a blowjob
I'm excited for him and his new girlfriend. I'm just going to miss his penis is what I'm saying.
And thanks for putting me in that safety position on the bathroom floor while I was spooning the toilet
Threesomes are not as fun as you'd think. I left with a black eye and I'm not sure who's to blame.
It should be perfectly legal to tase anyone not wearing a mask.
Randomize
