when did we get to this "texting at random" level on friendship?
Is it bad that Pitbull has taught me more Spanish than high school did?
Why are my keys in the refrigerator?
You said "This is gonna really confuse me tomorrow." Apparently drunk you plays pranks on hungover you.
This explains so much.
I've decided I'm just gonna keep drinking til the baby bump shows...
Do I buy ice cream sandwiches or a 40? these are the difficult life decisions I am faced with.
His parents had a bottle of captain morgan on the table for me when I went for dinner. I feel accepted
It happened again. Now theres even more baby powder and its all over the place, I'm not cleaning that house.
Apparently I was so drunk I threw my entire wallet at the stripper on stage. That was the third time I should've gotten kicked out.
Hardcore start to spring break. Mike is wearing adult diapers because the only stop we are making is for gas.
I really hope you are not drunk feeding a raccoon.
Yup. We're now banned from TWO of our nation's finest zoos.
i tied my phone to a string attached to my bra. i am NOT losing it tonight
Who are you to come into MY house and tell me when I can or cannot take my pants off?
Do you know why I slept in the yard last night?
You said you watched the lion king stoned and had to do it for simba.
Pride rock will get you every time.
My brother is coming home and he is bringing a whole bunch of friends with him. I am making him a cake. What should i put on it?
"Open for business" or "I have condoms" would probably work
Randomize
