he made transformer sounds every time he changed positions. how do you think it went?
How much would it be to rent out Gus Johnson so he can announce our flip cup games?
I wouldn't necessarily say I'm in her pants...I'd say I'm more on the on ramp to the freeway to the long way to her pants. There really isn't a short cut.
If I remember who won the superbowl tomorrow morning.. I think I'm just going to quit drinking. There really won't be a point anymore
well let's see. after you forcefully shoved a half-eaten apple in my mouth, you ruined the pepsi by dumping an entire beer in there.
Just gave a urinal high five to a complete stranger. Might not be such a bad night after all
Just found a uh poem I wrote on ambien. It says to "cry your seamen filled tears" and "I hope you take a dagger to your vagina" and at the end it says "sincerely, God". What.the.fuck do they put in that pill?
Did you know that if you chase vodka with cheap red wine it tastes exactly like college alcoholism?
Look, you don't know disfunction until you've sat on the john taking a shit and crying while totally sober.
Because bro, I don't want your dick being touched mid conversation.
So I just went to clothing optional bar
she broke a 50 dollar bottle of alcohol. then passed out in front of her car and got sprayed by a skunk
Its mothers day... Can my present be an orgasm...for once?
I always knew ther was a reason why we're best friends
Obvs our love of drugs
I like to think of it more as our love of curiosity
Hot fire fighters installing my closet. Don't know how to go about this. Gonna nonchalantly take my shirt off and see what happens..
Randomize
