Do you know that poor pathetic girl that we should be friends with
How long can I microwave pasta with a 20 percent alcohol content?
Man when i saw they were the only ones hard core grinding to the Cha Cha slide against the wall, I knew they were gonna have sex tonight.
he tried to catch his projectile vomit...then went back to beer pong
Im going to hell in a hand basket. With a ribbon tied to my head. I'll be like a puppy for the devil.
Bro, he broke his neck diving into a kiddy pool.
Wat day did I have sex in my sleep? I just made a Dr appt for Friday and I want to talk to her about it
We had sex in the morning in pregnant lady position. Like fuck me like the hott piece of ass that I am, not your wife of 7 years.
He was so fat that he broke two of my ribs
Maybe it's time to stop screaming I'm a chubby chaser every time you enter a drinking establishment
It's official: I now only own one pair of jeans that I haven't blown the crotch out of. It might be time to put a stop to red wine Wednesdays.
You mean, in addition to red wine every-fucking-days?
I'm not drinking for the rest of the week. I need discipline, celery, dick, and a bible.
I woke up at her place in a kids bed hearing Sesame Street. She doesn't have kids!
I still think he’s a fuckboy but he’s nice to me when I’m over.\nLike sets alarms for me in the morning and always makes sure I cum.
I just got home and spray-tanned my boyfriend. That's the side of relationships they don't tell you about...
You’re better off without him. Actually, he’s better off without you and that’s what really matters
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