I am slurping my drink like I am going to the electric chair
Mars, I'm going to name my child horatio mars. He will hate me till he gets high. Then he'll understand
The nice sales man at 711 gave me a handful of free lighters for buying a carton of cigarettes. I guess the depressed damsel in distress look works for me.
Apparently we had sex last night, and then I made him drive me to the beach so I could puke in the ocean.
Fuck buddy has no power. Invited her over to use my shower. I love hurricaines.
i am too hungover to go to class can you just call me and put it on speaker phone
he picked an earring up off the bar floor and tried to give it to girls as a present.
Just smokin in the creek with some deer, they like the smoke, I know.
Im gonna take a shit then figure out how to be better at basketball
Hey you remember last Super Bowl when I sent you a pic of my testicles? Memories...
I'm jealous that you can use my boobs as pillows & I can't.
You know the sex was rough when you wake up with a chipped tooth. I have no regrets
They tricked me into going into that room by saying we'd smoke a bowl and then they all proceeded to have an intervention with me about my love life.
he went down on me and a few minutes later he asked to show me a magic trick. then he pulled a quarter out of my vagina
What time is our conjugal visit?
Umm...who is this?
Randomize
