Writing a book: The Evolution of the Douche Bag: From Popped Collars to Ed Hardy Shirts. Doing research now.
Make sure you include chapters on white sunglasses, spray tans, and toxic amounts of hair gel.
people will do anything to get on MTV. like get pregnant.
Apparently the guard had to repeat "you're too drunk to get in" three times before I understood. I guess he was right.
she said she likes her vagina punished
being with you and your tiny dick is punishment enough
Eventually evolution will just give us a better liver anyway, so our great great grandkids should THANK us for our binge drinking.
these marshmallows taste like mayonnaise. like playing tetris on a gameboy, that's what these marshmallows mean.
Edward fifth and chaser hands
for the record, you never really realize how drunk you still are until you get on rollerskates...
She is currently expressing her joy for "bad to the bone" through interpretive dance...
Finally hooked up with her. She bought me tacos after because "she can do better in a bed". You're gonna be my best man.
I am naked, and drinking straight gin with a flat tonic chaser. I had such greater hopes for myself as a child.
yea...tonic water is fucking gross.
I have 2 voicemails from u last night. one of them is just 5 min of u saying "doodling"...
How weird is it that 2 people I've had sex with have the same birthday and they don't even know each other
sooo, that video of you eating lasangna with the strobe going magically reappeared on my phone
Is it still sex if there's no nudity, no orgasms, but the neighbors bang on the wall and ask you to stop? I've honestly forgotten.
Randomize
