Liz and I are now offficially highest. OH, and your girlfriend may be a vampire. Heads up. SPARKLESSSSS
Put my glitter back.
Dude. Fucked her last night. Fucked her this morning. went downstairs for water. took 18 pack of Coors Light instead and took it back to my gf's. Got a blow job from her. Drinking the beer on my deck now. Best Day ever.
She calls her new ritual "bed, bath, and beyond crunk". Hence why I found her passed out in my bath tub this morning.
I love how I just got my coachella ticket and ecstasy in a package deal.
i told him i was allergic to semen. he pulled out an epipen.
Aside from the fact that im drinking wine straight from the bottle to save doing dishes, im also standing in front of the oven to save turning on the heater. its gonna be a rough winter.
Things I have learned since the start of my first college spring break: do not fart in an enclosed space (such as a shower stall) when hungover. You will throw up. More lessons to follow as week continues.
Any chance you used one if the curtain rods in the fireplace room as a sword? One is missing
Holy shit, just saw a girl in the library smoking a bong disguised as a calculator
Regardless of how one feels after a break up, whiskey must be consumed.
OH MY GOD did i pee on you?!
We'll just play naked Twister, the rest will take care of itself
I mean his penis was perfect in pictures but its even more perfect inside me
I can't be held responsible for what I do for you after a blowjob like that.
There’s a child, alone, sitting on a picnic table out there, making bird noises
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