The album was titled "Best Night Ever" until she found out she was preggers and switched it to "God Punishes Sluts"
I just remember telling jokes while vomitting
It's like trying to pry an octopus off you. Except the octopus speaks English and can get drunk.
"Don't get as drunk as I was on my birthday" has been upgraded from a goal for Friday night to a goal for my life in general.
Sexual tension squid is drowning in the sexual tension
My date just wheeled me home in a shopping cart but it was normal
He stopped replying so I told him I got tested and it came back positive for chlamydia to see if he replied. His phone magically works again!
i'm not saying you're gay. i'm just saying all my gay friends think you have a great ass.
Is it weird that i want a guy to ask me to homecoming by spelling it out in meatballs?
THATS VERY WEIRD
My brother and I have had one conversation in the past like 3 weeks and it was about what it would be like as a sentient butt plug
Well there's only 4 people in my class, we've watched a video, the instructors encouraged us to start using cocaine and now we are on break.
It's been productive.
FML I accidentally sent the text about his bruised balls as a group text that included his brother and my boss.
Love it. I wish you see me right now. I'm counting cash on my bed with no shirt on, beauty and the beast sound track on blast. Fucking creepin it up.
I’m lazy so obviously looking like a rotisserie chicken is my favourite position
The cards I get dealt on tinder now are karma for fucking a married man while I was in high school.
Randomize
