I just projectile vomited in a Methodist church parking lot. If Jesus didn't love me before he sure as hell doesn't now.
so many types of cookies right now. i'm eating four kinds of cookies that i've made into larger cookie sandwiches. too high. whoa.
well what she called a "work function" most people call "doing shots with your boss while people throw napkins at you."
I had to physically hold you down to stop you from going out the window naked. You put up quit the struggle.
I'll just dance on top of the ping pong table, and if it's stable enough for that, then it's stable enough for sex
dude, I feel like I need to get my gf's roommate a gift. something that says, sorry you walked in on me getting blown. suggestions?
I gave his parents a candle as a thanks for letting me hang out there all the time. Which i guess is more accurately a thanks-for-letting-me-fuck-your-son candle
I just finished spraying the foam party off my pumps with a garden hose
My legs have surpassed "hairy" and entered the territory of "furry". Maybe I should just suck it up and shave already
No now I'm curious!
I'm gonna call it the Reunion Tour. Hooked up with two different ex girlfriends in one day...
Went home with a guy last night with Taco Bell sauce in my hair and on my pants
Shut the fuck up! I can hear you having sex over Pirates of the Caribbean you moaning whore.
Well when we Get drunk it gets rowdy. We could always attempt self-control. But historically and statistically speaking, we fail at that.
Come home... I’m drinking and playing with knives
I walked in the kitchen and heard her saying "We could have been so good together" as she caressed an egg with her cheek.
Randomize
