i told him he had the best dick i've ever seen. then supposedly i kept repeating "peter piper picked the perfect penis"
Is it just me or do I always seem to have cum in my bellybutton?
friends don't let friends hook up with gingers.
you were crying because peter frampton wasnt your dad
Is there any way you can check to see if I have a warrant out in Alabama?
Wedding cake is always the best dance partner. In the corner. With a jack and coke. And while I'm crying. Listening to "Almost Paradise".
nothing can ever be as bad as the night i blacked out, updated my fb status to i need a pity fuck and then passed out for 13 hours.
A kid in my class today just asked if we have class on the 17th, then announced that he couldn't go anyways because it was the day after his 21 and he was going to be too hungover
He was literally going down on me and giving me a foot rub AT THE SAME TIME. What more can I ask for?
Goodnight Shia. Goodnight Moon.
This is like the first time all week I've properly taken my birth control. My ovaries are so stoked I just know it.
Hey, is this going to be a real date, or am I just meeting you at a hotel to have sex in the bathroom? Given our history, I think it's a fair question.
so all I remember is hig-fiving the cop and then sprinting away. considering I'm not in jail, I count that as a win.
You're a brave, albeit stupid soul for wanting in on the fuckery that comes attached to my vagina
I pointed at him and said “there goes mr fuckwad”
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