my phone needs a breathalizer
the young, male pastor of my church has a jesus fish tramp-stamp. I made him show me.
I woke up at 2 pm to my roommate checking my pulse.
I remember sucking his bleeding finger and then it's all black until he had his hand down my pants.
I have more bruises, scratches, and overall soreness from my birthday weekend than my car accident.
All I learned from that experience was that drinking scotch out of a crunk goblet was bad news.
i climbed out of the bath tub this morning and found him taped to the treadmill
I remember three things: you falling down an entire flight of stairs, me stripping out of your Christmas one-sie to do cartwheels in my underwear, and people standing above me saying, "where did that bump on her head come from?"
Also, I was told I kept the antlers on the entire time. I'm deeming last night a success.
Just got back from the tanning beds. I'm a lobster. I fear for the safety of my nipples falling off.
So I've discovered that being hungover at 25 feels the same as being hungover at 24. Happy Birthday to me.
I mean when you laced a shot with $200 worth of cocaine I could see why you'd be mad when somebody drops it
I'm sorry for breaking our door. And being a bitch about it.
So I had Xanax for breakfast & I'm probably going to fuck my tennis instructor.
Wandering around the streets of Baltimore at two in the afternoon. Just offered a job as a stripper. Think I should accept?
Try an internship first, see if you enjoy it.
Why are there condoms taped to the handle of Tito’s?
I get horny when I drink, pregnant when I fuck and I never lose the booze unlike my purse
Randomize
