just put a funnel in my mouth and pour the tequila in with a little emergen-c
I think I've given more of my business cards to Chipotle trying to win free burritos than anyone else
Woke up to the first three complete chapters of my new novel titled "If My Dick Could Talk" waiting for me on my laptop
Im down. Even tho your nick name intimidates my vagina.
how many lesbians have to have their hearts broken before they realise I am not that kind of DJ
WHAT IF you could get pizza delivered to you IN YOUR CAR while driving somewhere. Like moving roadside service.
You're High aren't you?
Sooooo high
There has to be a way to make college graduation in Las Vegas different than any other Tuesday in Las Vegas. Strippers? Been there. Getting arrested for public indecency on the strip? Done that.
Is it sad that I have better conversations with his roommate before or after sex than I do with him in general?
Its not chugging if its just one gulp
GOVERNMENT SHUTDOWN NO RULES ICE CREAM FOR BREAKFAST woooo!
At the very least, I mastered a nap while occasionally being dry humped.
He added me to his contacts as 'boot and rally'...have you ever been more proud to be related to me?
I can't wait to tell mom.
I feel like I spent all day wearing underpants made entirely of poison ivy and sandpaper
Wet should excavate the hamsters out of the front yard n give them a proper burial.
I'm still mad from all the stupid shit he's done this week that even though I couldn't give two shits about Vday, I'm gonna throw an epic tantrum if he doesn't morph in to Nickolas Sparks for a day
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