bahahaha. this guy working at subway literally has someone's name tattooed on his arm, crossed out, and another name below it.
i dont remember who you are as you are in my phone as "mr. peanut."
I think I breastfed the cat at some point during the night, at least that's what my nipples are saying
I can hear my parents having sex. I REPEAT. I CAN HEAR MY PARENTS HAVING SEX! THIS IS NOT A DRILL!
Your mom is 55 and has MS. To be honest, I'm proud of her, and you should be too, bitch.
He's just sitting there staring at my sisters teddy bear hoping it will come to life.
I have a friend that keeps saying he wants to go bear hunting. Thought I would say just walk down church street at night. What intersection is it?
Fried chicken is a must. Do strippers eat fried chicken or should I plan on something else?
I just call them the hipster frat because they wear shirts other than pastel polos and listen to MGMT while playing dice.
Well would you like to come over anyway? I will be wearing sweatpants and disappointment. Also, I have Jack Daniels and I've managed to get drunk in under half an hour. But my boobs look awesome.
He's getting off drug court. We're doing a super-blunt with 50 dollars worth stuffed inside. He almost cried tears of joy when we told him.
I was looking threw the photos on my phone. There is 8 different ones of us peeing on things.
List 10 things your GF won't do for you, and we can work through that list.
I think I'm still high. And I definitely still smell like lobster, so there's that
Its weird to introduce me to his wife and kids on the first date, right?
I just realized this morning that my fridge is stocked with coronas, hot dogs, and cheese dip. And I just got waxed. High-five, your best friend is on track to be all kinds of slutty fun this wkd.
Randomize
