Why can't I find a man that likes bush instead of a vagina that looks like it belongs to a prepubescent child!
Because men are children
Touche
Circus confirmed... Jello shots before 9 pm are not cocktails for sucess
I just found ouut you can get a DUI in a kayak. Fuck.
As he was under the stripper backwards, he yelled "we should totally be facebook friends"
Just cause I'm shitfaced wasted every night waking up in random beds all over Manhattan does not mean I'm a mess.
Truth. Respect the hustle.
I have a strict rule of what enters my vajay. It's either sparkly, or human. Anything else and I draw the line. Standards.
I am the sex elephant in the room. Again.
mhmm. we know where to go, which places have free bathrooms, how long you can be in one until its sketchy, we have this down to a science. we're like the college sophomore pregaming dream team
I need you to know that everytime my toddler does the downward facing dog in the nude I think about the night you and your dude fell in love.
You straight up wore me out. This should be a proud moment for you. It's almost like my penis is asking for a timeout. But not really
You thanked your mom for the gymnastic lessons so you could do a keg stand
I woke up in a bush somewhere in Tucson with a full suit on. Great way to end my birthday.
Just had a reminder come up that just said "Ham"
Auto correct isn't even working for how drunk you are
No I don't. You owe me sex and cinnamon rolls.
Randomize
