okay pat passed out under dana's car
I got my nipple pierced! I love it so much!
Well, there goes breastfeeding.
Dudes got a Polo tattoo. I don't care if he has a yacht I can't handle that level of gay.
Dude... You bled on his hand... At this point it doesn't matter that you called him your exes name, seriously.
Do you think flip cup during wine tasting is a bad idea? They're perfect flipping cups...
So the bar isnt gonna put that broken window on my tab. appaerently they want cash
That penis you're staring at is the penis of heartbreak. Stay away. It will break your heart AND keep you away from other penises. BACK. OFF. THE PENIS.
I wasn't hungover this morning. My head just hurt because someone tried to suction cup a dildo to my forehead.
You tried to initiate "Occupy McDonald's" when the cashier didn't give you enough ketchup.
He's both a cowboy and a firefighter. Saying "no" was not an option.
And I'm still awake, and you left me. Like the guy on Jurassic Park, that jumped out of the car expecting me to save myself while there is a man eating T-rex ready to tear my ass apart except theres a mathematician and paleontologist there to save me because they are bad asses.
He stumbled in drunk at 7am, while we were getting ready for work. He poured a bowl of Cap'n Crunch, poured Jack Daniels on it., and said he was having "Captain Jack" for breakfast. I don't know how he's alive and employed. I hope the Cap'n calls in sick for him today.
I stood in my living room with two beers in my hand asking these said beers if they were going to drink each other. I then insisted that I would drink them and chugged both. Happy Halloween.
I am laying in your bed and just found a bottle of wine under your pillow ...should have married you...
I sent him nudes while he is at work because I am an evil human being.
Randomize
