I just got hit in the face by an old lady love handle.
I don't know how this happened but I got an email thanking me for being a Waffle House regular. HOW DO THEY KNOW?? Maybe I need to stop going there shitfaced.
I'm drunk and I'm watching it's Alwyas Sunny and eating candy. Even I am jealosu of my life
Ran into that hot funeral director in the bar two days after the wake. pretty sure we drunk made out.
Grandpa would have been proud
...and all my boxers are outside in the snow because????
Just saw the stripper pole on the road that we threw out of the party bus last night
I hijacked a bellboy cart and rolled into the party dancing on it
If this outfit doesn't get me pregnant tonight I don't know what will...
Stole a wheelchair from the hospital and rolled down the street smoking and drinking this is my weekend
My liver is crying. And I feel like I got fingered by Edward Scissorhands. While he was wearing brass knuckles
sometimes after I smoke and the high has gone away...the high will come back like three hours later for a brief yet gripping ride.
that's usually when I end up in someone's house, having sex with someone else, while that someone's roommate makes us mozzarella sticks.
Confirm that you received these messages so that I know you feel the agony of my vagina. There is such a thing as "too many penises".
I may have just tried to argue quantum entanglement as the reason I was still in her bed.
I couldn't be more proud to be a cougar. Just wondering how these twenty somethings learned how to fuck so well? Must be porn.
She got a boob job, dumped her husband, became a stripper, got a DUI in her Porsche and is now dating her lawyer
I’m making her my life coach if med school doesn’t work out
Randomize
