8:17pm: So, How was fun day?
1:15am: So I just woke up in my bed in my bathing suit... I don't remember getting into bed or dinner or anything after slip n slide that happened around five... I'd say fun day was a success
Do you want the good news or bad news first?
bad news
The bad news is i thew up on your bed, the good news is i found out who ate your cheetos.
i have essays due online every friday...im just going to write 'im hungover' for every one
If I start taking birth control 8 days after we had sex do you think it'll stop the baby from being made?
Ok. In one sink is a hairdrier. Still plugged in. The other is filled with broken glass. What do I do?!
Nvm. Bloody hand trumps dead. Also, where is gauze.
im eating kix cereal and taking shots by myself. please come hang out with me. im desperate
When we were grinding I think your nuva ring fell into my shoe
Yep. It's going to be us, strippers, and drag queens.
A glittery, gay, heavily makeuped, scantily dressed clusterfuck.
I'm not so good at organized events that don't revolve around whiskey or playgrounds.
God loves me. So high, craving Jimmy Johns chips, looked down, unopened bag in front of me. Still doesn't feel real
This holiday season is going to be rough between people coming home for the holidays and the already regulars on my list I might have to clone my vagina to make sure I get everyone for all they are worth
Mom, I'm really sorry you saw my naked ex-boyfriend in the living room this morning. I can explain....but I'd rather just stick with this apology and be done with it
You told him about your cats? I told his friend to put his dick in my mouth, and you talked about cats!?
After a beer I realize now I may have shared too much about my obsession with ghosts with my therapist this morning.
I feel like my entire body is ashamed of me today
You're a god amongst men today
Randomize
