Wtf am i supposed to tell my kids when they ask about my first time? "Mommy got drunk off her ass and fucked a total stranger in another stranger's bedroom, then got abandoned by the selfish prick and walk of shamed to the nearest gas station to call a cab, but ended up passed out in a park in a pool of her own puke."
At least mommy was smart enough to use protection and hack into the asshole's facebook account.
Well of course. Mommy may be a slutty drunk but she ain't no idiot.
already putting money aside for 4/20. you ready for the greatest tuesday ever?
well the hot one passed out so thats that, but then the fat one made chicken nuggets....totally worth it
nothing like baby laughter to ruin a masturbation moment
Why is there bacon braided in my hair
I always forget that visiting my hometown is like a who's who of ugly people.
I mean it was like cry my eyes out or masturbate in my moms bathroom.
WHY ARE YOU SMOKING WEED WHEN YOU JUST HAD A STROKE. AND MORE IMPORTANTLY WHY ARE YOU DOING IT WITHOUT ME.
We would be rich. And the whole world would be stoned.
He can only pee with the faucet running. It's like I'm dating a fucking toddler.
Turns out floaties are a great thing after a couple bottles of vodka
He sent me a text from across the party that said "your sexy." I just couldn't.
I know, it's just the worst. Also, security almost took the burrito I brought for lunch. I thought I was going to have to pull a Liz Lemon and eat the whole thing before I could go through.
Every time you mention the threesome around him I will high five you. Do what you will with this information.
He's really cute...He stopped talking to me because i pulled my skirt up and peed in a demi plie position...
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