Happy Easter!!!
I'm an idiot
hahaha! you have a girlfriend
tell that to the new girl at work who i screwed on the washing machine today...
I gave him a handjob while watching the presidential address. Needless to say, it was weird.
I just saw him at the bookstore and all I could think about was him licking your ass
I have no idea. Next thing I know we're all down on one knee saying the pledge of allegiance and then singing I'm Proud to be an American. Then Trevor ate pizza off the sidewalk.
The working title of my paper? "Tailgating: A Big Clusterfuck of Kids Who Dont Actually Give a Shit about Football"
I am in macy's and just straight up heard an old lady taking a crap in her depends.
We are winners. And by winners I mean home wrecking sluts
Isn't that what our 20s r for?? Testing the strength of other people's shitty relationships?
I could only remember yelling "rip it down" as he ninja jumped off the bed, kicked the wall, and superman punched the fire alarm off the ceiling.
I've always wondered why you never put the hotel room in your name...
No exaggeration. At the gas station she handed me the mop from over the counter and told me that's my last drink of the night
Someone's having a good night if they're getting gummi bears and Astroglide.
We were walking up the stairs and I asked Dominick what floor the party was on. The cop who had just tried breaking it up was walking down the stairs, drinking a slurpee, and answered, "Third floor."
A milkman. But instead of milk I'm delivering marijuana. And instead of a milk truck it's an armored car.
You're a weed delivery man, in an armored car?
Yeah, this is not that. This is a father and son bonding moment involving my all of my orifices.
Pretty sure I have a sex related back injury. I'm not sure if I should be proud or ashamed.
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