Wow.. I was doing a mental check of my bank balance & I literally just said to myself: 'I have 27 dollars and a bottle of tequila til tuesday-ill be fine'
The voicemail says i shouldn't bother ever showing my face there again, i don't understand
We visited your boss last night. guess you wont be paying the rent this month, eh?
...just for future reference, one Four Loko can fits PERFECTLY in a venti iced coffee cup from Starbucks
Just because we buy weed together doesn't mean were a couple
Worst PDA I've ever seen. She even licked the mustard off his mustach
Oh god. It's like a broken faucet. My guts sound like a bilge pump clogged with golf balls and cake frosting.
i ran into my coworkers when i was walking home last night. i was shirtless. i think i gave my shirt to Walter. he's a cat.
im still drunk. birthday week begins.
The to do list extremely baked self wrote for me last night says "1. Join gym 2. Passport? 3. Join a gym" And then just a drawing of a squid
I threw up on my way to work while listening to "the good times are killing me". this award goes to modest mouse for creating the most poetic puke ever
I'm your Election Erection Connection
I retroactively revoke all sex we've ever had.
And then after we fucked he wouldn't stop calling me "champ". It was like I had sex with an extremely attractive soccer coach
My bad man. I was at a strip club, and apparently it's like a big deal to take your phone out in one of those places.
How did it feel to just observe all the people blacking out usually you're on the other end of things
I felt like I was at the zoo
I am the Angelina Jolie to his Billy Bob Thorton. We just don't work.
you just don't appreciate it because you've never been arrested
Randomize
