Why are you ignoring all of my texts?
The power was out.
she called me screaming that i shouldn't ignore her phone calls, because she's not trying to get me to hang out with her and she doesn't want to be my girlfriend, she just wants sex.
what did you do?
i asked her out. that's so hot.
The gyno asked how many partners i've had... I said ummmm she goes ok then i'll just put down ten.
The bartender just started bringing me gin and tonic in a pint glass to save himself trips...
I just watched her pee in a trashcan, im still probably going to fuck her, what does that say about my standards
I had to download the flashlight app so I could finish taking a dump when the power went out.
Mike is worried about me going on a cruise in June without him....how cute he thinks we are going to last till June
She gave us all a pep talk at the bus stop at 1 AM. It involved cupcakes and somehow ended with her making out with her best friend. God bless college.
I swear to god, if you fuck the hot one you're paying me back for the shot I just bought her
Seeing Grandma lick chocolate sauce off of the male stripper was definitely not the way I planned to enter the world of legal drinking.
So doing the math I dated almost 2 of me in penises. Like, if I you layed them out lengthwise it would be 2 times my height.
I'm just going to have crazy good sex with him until one of us developed feelings that works in the movies right?
I puked into my skirt and then had to carry it to the bathroom and dump it out, Lmfao and it was like 2pm
I can't. I mean he's hot, but there's really nothing else there
You just said he's hot
NO YOU DON'T UNDERSTAND
Do you think it's a bad sign of the outcome of the pregnancy test I'm about to take that I was eating a fudgsicle on the way into the drugstore? Would it make worse to tell you I also bought a big ass bag of Cornnuts?
Randomize
