where are you
in your bedroom
how did you get in
your wife…
WTF
Im gonna name my vag after egypt, "the valley of kings"
she is medically diagnosed as a nympho. she has the paper to prove it. hell. fucking. yeah.
I love him. He's like the father I never had that I kind of want to fuck.
My mom just blew pot smoke into my nose and called me a cat.
Also pregame at mine tomorrow?
We should have cut you off when you asked the can driver if you could ride in the trunk.
We literally played a game called pass the child which consisted of us shitfaced tossing the 5 year old birthday boy at each other
I just realized how early it is, you're taking this booty call thing to a whole other level. also, there are altoids all over my room, that was weird
It's official, there's a sex tape of me floating around some high school
Putting all my energy Into finding a polite way to ask my mailman to fuck me in his car.
I'm like a savant for remembering names I learned while I was drunk. Seriously, I'm three for three. I'm on a roll.
Relationships are fuckin' work. And you can't just up and leave with no questions when you really just need to get home because you're about to shit your pants.
You're so wise.
Have you ever eaten pizza and gotten your dick sucked at the same time? Because I have pizza.
She stripped naked and ran around the outside of the house while I stood by the tent holding her clothes shouting "come back" because I was too drunk to chase her. This is why we can't have nice things.
I just tried to snap you a picture of the CVS where we decided not to become parents.
Randomize
