i just fell asleep at my computer and i woke up and in the google bar it said delicious foods to eat
windsor, ontario is like a poor man's amsterdam
no, it is just poor
My fucking roommate unpluged my alarm; I pissed on his clean clothes.
Just took a celebratory "i havent slept with anyone in this bar" shot. yesssss....
He took a banana and in front of everyone showed her how he wanted it done.
I ran a string through all of my old vicodin bottles and strung them on the tree. Tis the season.
Pretty sure that I got the MVP of wedding reception... woke up on the bench in the hallway of a hotel and we did NOT start the night there.
Who knew that "When in doubt, pelvic thrust" would end up being the best motto ever? In other news, I think I may have joined roller derby.
Nothing says Merry Christmas like gifting a bottle of rum and finishing it yourself then leaning over at the dinner table to puke it back up.
Some girl just walked passed me, said "fuck yeah!" and is now crawling up the stairs
I had to rub one out before the Shabbat dinner in case I find a nice Jewish girl to fuck me in the bathroom.
Your mother would be so proud
He had to put the child locks on the windows so you would stop screaming at random boys
im glad im back to a point in my life where i have enough sex to sometimes be offered and be like naw im good.
All of my Tinder matches have neck tattoos. It's like God wants me to go to jail again.
An d I'd rather cry while putting a waffle in my mouth than cry on my pillow, ya feel me?
Randomize
