I met the friendliest cop last night
I'm done trying to be a vegetarian. My vagina smells like hummus.
lets have sex before this no shave november shit gets outta hand.
I think I'm going to inject the gummy vitamins with vodka
I'm glad you're using your medical degree for some good for once
Empowerment dancing to Touch Me in the Morning by Diana Ross. Handling this breakup SO well.
The guy you fucked with the lazy eye is here, im avoiding contact by texting you. But i just looked up and he recognizes me, theres no way he doesnt. I'd remember the girl who called me quasimodo all night too. Sober me feels so bad.
My life is like a drunken tornado. All over the place and never passing up fat girls
I just sat in the bathtub with the shower running so I could eat the whole box of mega stuffed Oreos. What am I doing with my life
Ohh man. That was a snatch-waxer with a score to settle.
He can keep it, but if he asks for anything else i'm just going to start pissing on things.
Munching saltines, sippin Gatorade, and trying not to get eaten by this small horse
One of your snapchats was of you with a 40oz of Mickeys and the caption: "Deep Throat back in her natural habitat"
I understand why animals eat their young in the wild after watching your kid this afternoon
I got St Patrick's Day drunk on Friday and apparently ordered a Total Gym in the middle of the night
3 hour lecture of my biology teacher talking about isotopes and space shuttles. I'm way too high for this.
Randomize
