Someone left a shot of disaronno in a champagne glass here this morning... flip a coin?
She sucked her thumb until she was 17. It's like my dick was born to be in her mouth.
I never want to hear the words 'my therapist says . . . ' while naked again.
dude, my ass and shoulder hurt from that kayak last night... note to self: wood planks holding kayak from ceiling do not also hold up a human being
first one here with a pint of chicken lo mein, aspirin, and diet green tea ginger ale, gets a full effort bj the day after tomorrow.
What's the address?
Too drunk. Just google it.
IT'S YOUR HOUSE
Found out last night that "Everclear" is Spanish for "shit got weird"...
That's some primal shit right there. My vagina is all like CONSUME HIM AND HIS FRUIT HE WILL GIVE YOU SONS!
i woke up in just my socks. my clothes were outside, he had rugburn on his elbows, and a window was broken.
Wow has his pick up routine ever gotten bad. He is trying to use cheese as a way to flirt with the waitress
Oh man, he played the Harvarti cheese card and it didn't work. Now he is flailing
I'd help you out but I got Bacardi and Tequila poured down my snorkel last night and I'm still drunk
I've decided to become a librarian so I can drunkenly quote The Mummy and have it be legit.
All this studying of HIV makes me want to have sex with you.
I'm drunkenly throwing popcorn at a spider, fuck him. Why does his scary 8 legs get to be happy?
Our conversation went from you choking me to my quarter life crisis reeeaaalllll quick.
Randomize
