brad dismisses pussy with prejudice
you were so high you spent the rest of the night smelling pepper to prove you can sneeze with your eyes open
If letting him bang me while i'm wearing reindeer antlers and a painted red nose isn't the christmas spirit, I dont know what is
I just threw up trying to put pants on. This is obviously a sign to stay naked.
YOU ARE OBSESSED WITH PORCHES. I AM OBSESSED WITH PORCHES. HOW IS THIS REAL.
I never appreciated sexting until I went to rehab
It was his birthday this weekend. I had to carry him 6 blocks, in 3 inch heels. The entire time he was trying to molest me, eat my face, and try to stop every two feet to tie his shoe. He would light a cigarette, forget about it, almost burn everyone, throw it out, then decide he wanted to smoke. He kept repeating that he trusts me with his life.
...Wow...
I could be a kindergarten teacher
I'm never drinking with you again. I woke up in Midtown with a 7' tall Norwegian rugby player named Lexie. Never. Again.
How the fuck did I get back? Last thing I remember is being on some hot guy's shoulders yelling at girls shaking their asses
We'll talk about it later...
I got so drunk at the hockey game I bought everyone behind me in concession line a funnel cake.
I look like a bag of dicks so if you could ugly yourself up that'd be great.
We have your weave and dirt in our room.
Woke up, moved an empty handle of fireball to spit blood, then put the morning cigarette out in it.
I can see the future and your future is full of penis
you hit your head on the sneeze guard and passed out at Pizza Hut they called the police
Randomize
