What time are you coming? Can you stop and get mouse traps and trojans?
You have mice?
no why?
i wish mother nature was an actual person cause i'd bitch slap her for sure
i decided to cut a 3rd hole in to my snuggie so i could masturbate all the time.. all time low? or genius?
I didn't want to talk to him so I just started telling him how important Jesus was to me
yo your bro wants to know what time he got home and were you hosing him off
Her vagina felt like a fur coat. It was weird at first but I kinda liked it
We should install the 'help i've fallen and can't get up' buttons on our bodies for this weekend. Birthday weekend calls for extra measures.
Some kids in a school bus just saw me jacking off in my car. This is how 89% of children find out about sex.
I can't blame him for thinking that then, placing a cone shaped potato chip on the tip of his penis post bj is not a normal act of love
I found all these half eaten mandarin orange on the ground and the bruises on my neck are definetely not hickies
its not like i called off work either time for the purpose of tripping, it was more like well, i have nothing to do now today, there is acid and im only human.. but twice
Saw a girl outside my apartment shotgun a bud light, then a red bull, get in her Tahoe, and drive 4 people away. Gotta love thirsty Thursday.
I hate how she's getting mean with age
Meh, you can't hate. That's our basic life goal and you know it.
I got so drunk last night that I was drunk in my dream. Good night
MASS TEXT: Next weekend I will be in town for St. Patty's day. There will be a bonfire and liqour olympics. We will have booze but in order to participate it is byob. Upon arrival everyone will be asked to sign a waiver. I am not responsible for liver failure, death, loss of clothing or memory, bites, scratches, hickies, pregnancies, or any other for of injury you may obtain while participating. There will be ridiculous amounts of green glitter, be prepared to puke it up. ALSO WEAR SOMETHING GREEN OR YOU WILL BE PENALIZED!! AUTOMATIC 5 SHOTS. HAPPY GAMING!!!
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