I had a wet dream about my mom last night. words can't even begin to discribe how scarred I am. what. the. fuck.
I don't understand why everytime I fuck his bestfriend he seems more interested in me...
I don't know how but I have our hotel room door handle in my purse... this can not be good
apparently breaking a beer bottle and then throwing up in a urinal is a terrible way to pick up girls.
I have no words
Neither did my mom, when she walked in on me squating with my balls in a cup of hot water.
it was either a cry for help or you were gargling vodka. we didnt care either way.
So last night I learned something new. Whenever I drink beer out of a bottle a random guy buys me another one. It was like as soon as the glass hit my lips every guy in a 20ft radius got a hard on.
She tried to leave the threesome and I heard you yell "Hey! We don't quit at halftime!"
He said that he made a girl squirt to the ceiling and I got curious
I gave a handjob to the beat of uptown fuck last night
Spoiler alert: my plans for Halloween are going to make our dealer's birthday look like a bunch of mormon ladies having a scrapbooking circle
Like your dick isn't Beyoncé, it doesn't get close ups
When I meet her I'm going to have to resist the urge of saying "hey! We're Eskimo sisters!"
Swear to god, somebody just drove by with mickey mouse in their passenger seat and he waved at me.
I wrote life affirmations on my notes to repeat and read several times a day so I become a better person, see the time on the toilet has been constructive
Randomize
