just do him I won't tell jon
um i'm guessing you meant to send this to tina, thanks for the support in our relationship you whore
apparently i walked up to the counter, put $30 worth of snacks next to this girl, and went 'uhh i have no money'
Just spent 45mins blow drying a joint i dropped in a beer....i felt like i dropped his infant child....
There is something depressing about eating toast in a dark living room by myself using a paper plate that says: "Let's Party!"
I think "I actually like giving blow jobs better" qualifies her as a keeper
Just finished my quantum homework in ladies room writing with eyeliner. I am the party/physics champion.
I should start an etsy shop with all the jewelry and clothes women leave at my house
Join us. We're on the roof drinking breakfast
I'm adopting to save the world from the moral outrage that would be my offspring
I got bit by a peacock. That's how hard shit went down last night.
You are a super loving wife. But did you, at any point since Thanksgiving, slip me half your bottle of stool softeners?
Can't tell if it's the drugs or science magic, but I *THINK* that mouse just turned into a squirrel.
He's smoked my weed, stolen my cigarettes, and used my campus cash, but I try to initiate sex and NOWWW he's all "As your RA, that's a line I can't cross"
And now, by the power vested in me by the state of intoxication, I now pronounce you fucking awesome.
I really love you. Like, more than tequila...& we both know that's my favorite.
Randomize
