And then you told your sister how horrible of a friend I was because I couldn't get you cheese fries...
for a minute I thought I needed to put on pants to go get a burrito, but then I remembered I'm in college
Dude a guy just showed up with alcohol and a bag of double cheese burgers. I think I found my future husband.
...that's why he's not doing anything with his life except breeding geckos
I got 87 likes on my changed relationship status. It's official. I'm way more fucking awesome single.
They're mostly guys
Early bird gets the worm.
Just walked into McDonald's and a bunch of fat girls gave me a look like I just entered their territory.
You get to be the grown up. Leave a ciabatta by his face.
I'm watching sex and the city with my wine and Wendy's. I'm not sure if this is single woman empowerment or not.
tonights mission is daddy issue patrol - we wear old spice and drink gin martinis and see who reacts.
This is not a costume party, I'm just wearing fairy wings.
Of course you are.
Just wanted to say, I appreciate your bravery in having read receipts
I was so high I didn't realize I'd put on someone else's bra. I thought my boobs had shrunk.
Hey, dude, is Kevin still passed out on your porch?
Yeah. I'm gonna go leave a pitcher of bloody mary next to him in case he's still alive.
She woke up with her hand super glued to the fridge....how the hell am I Supposed to get her off??
But you''re still having sex with him. And a hobo convinced you to.
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