Yeah i wasn't gonna go out but then i was like im not gonna get my dick wet stayin at home studying
The pick up line I used was "Grab my sack, you'll be back." Then I winked at her.
Ordered weed last night from the delivery service, and who showed up...my old real estate broker. He said, "this is less stressful." Duh.
Doing Jager Bombs on a Sunday morning is justified...How else is my team going to win?
How do we turn this unicorn pinata into a bong?
He just tried to eat my hair and he keeps talking about pissing on everything, come home soon I beg of you
Maybe just the first 2 wks of Nov can be dick detox.
We're you guys there last night when everyone started chanting "Nacho Steph"? Someone picked me up, carried me to the nacho cheese and made me do a nacho cheese stand.
Yup. Dog walker, house sitter and mistress to the rich, bored and bi-curious. I've got a nice little operation running.
I really thought I'd be the only alcoholic drinking alone in my car at noon in the Lowe's parking lot. Passed out dude in the car next to me begs to differ.
Because it's not worth it. And there is no nice way of saying "sorry, you're not good enough at sex for me to drive 45 mins"
My poor liver. I drank enough on NYE to sustain an alcohol addiction for the entirety of 2015.
I just need a big sign that says no more penis please hanging over my head at all times
I just saw a cat, if i ate those mushrooms 15 minutes earlier i wouldn't have made it to the bar
He pulled out a Plan B pill and handed it to me as I left like it was a party favor. God Bless America.
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