this kid down the hall keeps banging on his drums...i feel like i'm living in jumanji
My lunch today consisted of going on the brewery tour with my boss. Free pretzels and two free beers.
I hate you.
To be fair, the beers are only 8 ounces each. So maybe you just kinda dislike me.
The guy i fucked last week got done first on the test in my 900 person class. If im pregnant at least it will be smart.
We met on a dual walk of shame. It has to be love, we can't let that go to waste. I want to tell our children that story.
i wanna meet her so much more now that I know she got toed in a hottub.
6 margaritas later and free shots of tequila, i woke up with a fat lip and they said i blew my nose in a slice of bread
A stranger just came up to me and asked why I hadn't texted him, and if he was just a one night stand. I live for these moments.
Tell me not to purchase 500 ball pit balls and a kiddy pool
Can't. Busy recovering from the worst pulled muscle of my life that I got either from excessively acrobatic boning or carrying a huge fucking ice luge down the street while wearing 4 inch heels
If you think for one second that I would forget Mardi Gras, you clearly don't know how much I love boobs.
I got laid while wearing a shirt with a picture with my little brother deep throating a banana on it.
I need to keep a secret stash of instant alcoholic margaritas for when i deal with people. For example, right now, im grading, and I just don't fucking care any more. My students should make a thank you card for Jose Cuervo.
How about to stay friends we only have sex on our birthdays. Maybe national holidays too. And days we get really drunk. Wanna get really drunk?
Being single is awesome because I can still drink a bottle of wine and hate myself, but I don't have to shave my legs!
Did you or did you not grab my boob while I was making out with the foreign kid?