the liability waiver did not state that i couldn't bring my bottle of wine in the bouncy castle. it did Not.
My psychiatrist is "consulting" others. I am high-achieving nuts.
Somehow last night, my dad got me so drunk that I ended up throwing up on the couch, turning the cushions over to hide it, and going to sleep on them.
He asked me if I could call his penis destroyer... Uhh SOS.
I need to get skinnier so that I know when pregnancy scares are real...
please tell me why my pillow is wearing your thong...
...i wondered where i left that...
Fyi your toilet is not contaminated. We'd have to scissor pretty hard to pass what I got.
He is getting married. In the time it took for this conversation he probably cheated on her three times
Somehow I ended up in a different costume dancing with some tree of a guy in the basement bathroom, what did you give me?
I'm gone to the point of literally hugging trees, partially for support, but also because I like them.
Passing out drunk in my therapists lobby may not be the best way to confirm my "stability"
He's like a computer from 2001 in a 2014 world. It just doesn't work. Lots of glitches.
11/10 would buy him a McLobster
You know it was a weird week when you have a mystery bruise and youre unsure if it was from crazy sex or getting bit by a duck. Life.
the worst part about living alone is not having other peoples snacks to mooch off of when you havent gone grocery shopping in three weeks. i'm so pms-y i'm about to eat a soy sauce packet
Randomize
