I had a dream you and I were having sex. It was pretty romantic.... until you started pulling out toys.
I woke up this morning with 2 australian chicks passed out in my living room, a whole bunch of coke on my kitchen counter and I have no idea how the fuck either thing got there
It's not every day you get to see a girl fuck herself with a pickle.
I refuse to have another spring break doomed by pregnancy.
I'm chatting with a girl missing a front tooth. I find it quite distracting. I'm sure you have deduced what bar I'm drinking in on this monday night.
NO I FORBID YOU. THERE ARE BETTER VIRGINITIES OUT THERE WORTH KIDNAPPING.
I feel like our lives always have been and always will be a never ending drunken rampage full of pregnancy scares and lost brain cells
Someone had written "Boxmonsterette" on the bathroom wall and I just knew you'd been here.
Please show REO speedwagon ur boobs for me.
I'm high and dancing to practical magic. Your needs for my penis can wait.
I fucked her ex bc she fucked mine but now we're cool and I'm watching her dog this weekend
The girl in line in front of me at the grocery store is buying wine, m&m minis, a toothbrush, and condoms. Is it inappropriate to high-five her?
COCAINE AND SUSPENSFUL BBC SHOWS DO NOT WORK.
What are you talking about? Keg stands at wedding are super classy.
Found my paycheck. It was in the freezer
Randomize
