Hey, remember that girl at rocklobster you thought was hot but were to pussy to talk to? You were right, her boobs are fake and she gives the best head on the planet. Can you come pick me up?
You're dead to me.
today's thought: if you're naming your fb album "wEdDiNg dAy!!!!!!" you're too young to get married
I could swear I did coke with Jesus last night
I've decided to tape numbers to the bottom of my heels corresponding to the number of drinks I can safely consume in them.
Just because you put plan b in my Easter basket doesn't give you an excuse not to wear a condom.
Her mom is home on her lunch break. Guess who's hiding In the Closet?
Peeing off the roof of a motel lighting a cigar with matches and speaking fluent spanish with a chilen exchange student...how do iget into these situations?
It's been a year of occasional hook ups....this was bound to happen sometime even with your jank ovary schedule.
It felt like a sumo wrestler slapped me. With a wet hand. 8 times in a row.
All he did was like my Instagram picture and I'm already planning how to turn down sex with him this weekend...
In my next life I better get to be a bird. Fuck flying. I'm gonna shit on your car. Every. Day.
Wake up. Finish House of Cards. Put on pants.
Accurate.
I'm still here... I feel so bad wearing your mom's cardigan at a strip club 🙈
Things could not have gone more poorly if I had stripped naked and run through the Sahara with sirloins tied to my vagina.
so how about you dont randomly call my mother during parties?
Randomize
