This cookie i'm eating tastes like pizza. It was so worth contacting my sister for pot.
I just followed up on a noise complaint...only to find 2 girls in bikinis covered in jello with beer cans everywhere. I couldn't bring myself to bust that party.
I want to be a cop.
You peed for a solid 5 minutes last night and turned around halfway through to give everyone watching a thumbs up
Speaking of morons, I just found half a Subway sandwich in the bathroom drawer You or your brother?
Now there are nude photos of that bangin hot Russian spy chick...this is officially the best scandal ever.
promise me that when we are 32, we will look nothing like Kim Zolciak. Promise me right this instant.
He got violent drunk so we have to untie him in the morning. He's in your basement and you're out of electrical tape. Don't forget because I will.
I am too drunk to deal with your everything. Reread this everytime you feel the need to talk to me.
Her stepmother interrupted our sex to tell her it was midnight and she wanted to do a sympathy shot for her 50th.
Don't break up.
I pulled my bra outta my purse. Covered in honey mustard. I still lack an explanation.
I deleted his number so I had to go into my old voicemails which are saved through my gmail and search his name... Never underestimate the resourcefulness of a drunk girl on a mission for dick
This hurricane better not stop me from sitting on the stoop thurs & enjoying all the slutty costume walkofshamers
I'm like bob the builder except I'm fixing boners.
I just sold Adderall to a priest, im not quite sure how I feel about this situation
Why did I wake up with a skeleton in my bed? Is it from the lab?
Oh crap, that's where it ended up. Yeah, don't ask.
Randomize
