Our hot neighbor just came over and asked for a toilet plunger...not so hot anymore
Watching a deaf couple have an argument in the mall. Can't bring myself to look away.
bouncer thought i was tryin to get the license plate numbers of strippers to stalk them. I had to go show him where I threw up to get back in.
Do you how many people I've successfully loaded into a Mazda Miata? Six. Six people. How? Strategically.
Not to make her into that kind of girl, but she did have a condom mural
Also, just had a student offer to sell me Xanax. Want some? Just for like a rainy day. Or our memorial day shitshow. Or just another Wednesday night.
It's pizza for people who hate themselves. I rang the place up once i'd finished and told them if i was on death row it would be my last meal because by the time i'd got half way through it I would be begging to die.
But then I ordered two more because it was 2-4-1 and my life is a mess
You didn't try to help me when I fell on the dance floor. She brought me cupcakes. You're a shitty friend, suck your own dick.
What the hell man, you basically stole my girlfriend with a bucket of KFC.
Maybe she'll change her mind but the "go fuck yourself" doesn't seem promising
I panicked i brought burritos. Funeral burritos
My manager said you offered to make out with him to ensure I keep my job if I didn't show up to work today
I stole an accordion from the bar
Accidentally
I'm having ragrets about stealing the accordion
You would critique a dick pic. Damn art people.
Oh and it’s been a year according to my snap chat memories since I banged your cousin in your sons truck pulled over on Elm St! 😂😂😂😬😳😇
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