Should I tell Kevin that my finger was in his sister's ass last night?
Im really high right now and the vending machine is broken and giving out free candy. Please kill me, my life will never get better than this
After a valiant attempt at golf, I think it's time for Tiger to go back to doing what he does best- having sex w/ blond, white women.
then again I'm sitting on a tree stump completely naked in the dark listening to some type of glee soundtrack.
Reached a new low. Drinking Wine from my thermos while on the stair master.
I really hope the fuck ferry pays me a visit to close out 2011 properly.
Want to come over and play therapist and then fuck all the emotion away?
I want this pizza in and around my mouth forever..
I didn't have toilet paper until 20 minutes ago. But I have champagne. Priorities.
I just finished a four mile round trip walk to CVS to buy shaving cream and lube. You're welcome.
When's the last time you had sex near some ducks?
Come get your boyfriend. He is hammered talking to me about hot dogs and casinos.
Just in case you forgot, you puked all over your boss house, pissed on his coffee table, and were then thrown out by his wife
He punched me in the face while giving him road head, because he was driving stick. I shit you not.
I wish he’d realize all I want is dick. He’s my boytoy. He’s a stunt cock. \n\nCome over, fuck me silly, eat some leftovers, fuck me again, then go back to the frat house
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