I guess we had a small kitchen fire somehow when we decided to bake fruitroll ups and croutons...
Hello everyone will one of you please inform me on why I woke up in a cardboard recycle dumpster with no shirt and a stuffed animal? I want to hear this explanation.
Your godly.
You held your own hair and threw up into a red cup...I think they were more amazed than upset.
Hes stumbling drunkenly around the streets of New York with a balloon vagina on his head. I'd say hes having a good night.
Do you think they make a "sorry in my drunken debauchery I dropped a pumpkin off the balcony and you happened to be standing right there/get well soon" card?
He might have if you were a little more subtle about your feelings instead of telling everyone multiple times how much you wanted his dick
Rule number one to being a good adult: don't use your vagina as an icebreaker. Just some wisdom I thought I'd pass down from experience.
Now I have the walk of shame to give the receptionist the bathroom key back, I've had it for 20 minutes. I should just smile and wink. She knows what went down.
My dad just asked if I could bring snacks to jail this weekend. Like what does he think this is, some type of adult play date?
God, please protect all woman from micro-penises
The next time we go out, we're bringing a jar so that people can contribute to the rest of what I need to come up with for my breast implants... We'll show them yours for inspiration and persuasion.
I caught myself caressing my own hand while nurturing a glass of bourbon. I think it's time to get back out there.
Hey when you get home, can you do me a solid and throw one of your pregnancy tests on my bed?
EPT or First Response?
Woman doing my Brazilian right now says to tell you she says hi...what has our life come to?
Dude...itll be a youre-still-a-dick-but-a-hot-one-angry-hate-evil-spite kinda fuck. This is acceptable.
Randomize
